I should totally be in bed, but…

I just have to comment on how much I love these wedding photos.  They are timeless.  The bride is absolutely gorgeous.  And it has the same type of feel that I want on my wedding day.

Love her hair, her veil, her earrings.

LOVE the tablescape.

Really just love this picture.  And the groom’s boutonniere.

These photos are just breathtaking.  And they are all courtesy of  SOTA/StudioThisIs

I can’t relax.

I thought that once school was over for the summer I’d have more free time and less stress.  Well, school is over, and neither of these is true.  I am now faced with the overwhelming to do list that I have been putting off for months.  And I can’t relax.

It’s not for lack of trying.  I try to sit down and enjoy myself outside of doing work for my master’s, getting ready to close on our house, or wedding planning, but I physically cannot.  Whenever I do something other than these three all-important, all-consuming things, I feel guilty.  I stress about what I should be doing, instead of enjoying the time I allocate to doing things I love.

I didn’t even notice that I was really having this problem (well, I knew it, but couldn’t admit it), until Sam told me he was feeling overwhelmed just by being around me and that I needed to balance my life out more.  I tried to tell him that I can’t.  We don’t have time for balance.  I’m finishing my master’s in less than week.  We close on our house in 3 weeks.  We are getting married in less than 4 months.  There simply isn’t time for any extras.  And yet, we’re still squeezing them in.  Birthdays, vacations, wedding parties, etc.  Things that are supposed to be fun, wonderful stress-free celebrations, and they’re only added to the overwhelming feeling that I can’t seem to quell.

The answer seems to come from my extremely wise fiance:  balance.  I need to learn, especially now that I’ve started drastically losing weight and breaking out, that balance is key to being happy.  I need to spend some time focusing on what I love to do, while also making sure I accomplish things off of my to do list.  And actually setting aside time for a mangeable number of things.  This seems so common sense to me, and I wonder where the super organized multi-tasker of my past wandered off to.  This is prompting some self-reflection… seriously, what’s the deal?

Any suggestions?

First Present!

Sam and I received our first present in the mail today, with exactly 4 months left until our wedding day!  It is an engagement present from very generous friends of my parents.  We are now the proud owners of……

The Chancellor Serving Bowl! (image courtesy of Pottery Barn)

It’s shiny and beautiful and I can’t wait to have a party just to show off this bowl…. Yes, I’m a nerd.

But seriously, how amazing is it that we got an engagement present, even though the invitations to our upcoming engagement party say “no gifts please”?

I am so happy!

Honeymooning or staying home?

Like I’ve said before, I just now feel like I’m starting to grow up.  I’ve never had to worry about money before… not really anyway.  My parents always took care of that for me, and I was very lucky in that respect.  Now, however, I’m having a very hard time trying to budget my own shopping habits, buying my first house, planning a wedding, furnishing that house, and wanting to take a honeymoon.  All on the salaries of two school teachers.  I’m sure it’s feasible… people make things work on budgets all the time.  And I knew what I was getting into when I decided to marry a divorced school teacher with child support to pay.  Don’t worry, I’d make the same choices over and over and over again.  But that doesn’t make this additional “growing up” transition any easier.

Today, I signed papers to buy my house.  It’s exciting and overwhelming.  I made the decision to buy my house myself, without Sam’s name, because of past issues from his divorce that left him with bad credit.  He does have his own house that we are still trying to sell, and the profits from that sale (hopefully) will go toward our “cushion.”  Luckily, I have enough money to buy this house on my own.  But I don’t have the money to afford it without him.

Then I started thinking, as I was working out the money situation…. how on earth can we afford all of this?  How can we do it all?  Clearly we can’t.  So we compromise.

We are going to start planning the honeymoon this summer.  We have a lot of things we have to do this summer, but this is one of them.  And we need to know how much we can spend.  Do we go all out on a fantastic honeymoon?  Probably not… We should probably be a little more fiscally responsible in that respect.  Because I would like a dining room table and a bedroom set at some point in the future.  But a honeymoon is something I will not compromise on.  I am adamant that every newly married couple take a honeymoon after their wedding.  I understand that sometimes people can’t take them immediately, but they need to have a vacation soon after the wedding.  Here are some of my reasons:

1.  Most importantly, you never know when you’ll get to take another vacation solely focused on the two of you.  Money becomes tighter, kids may come along, parents may get sick, and jobs may not allow it.

2.  A wedding is extremely stressful.  Sometimes in the night it seems as though the bride and groom aren’t even together that frequently.  As much as a wedding is about “the couple,” it’s hard to be intimate in such a crowded place.  A honeymoon is important for the bride and groom to connect and enjoy their married bliss before real life gets in the way.

For Sam and I, and for other marriages with kids, these reasons are paramount.  There already are kids in the picture, and more will probably be on the way soon.  We are teachers, so we don’t have the ability to take much time off during the year, and our summers are dedicated to his children.  Basically, it’s already rare for us to have some extended time to ourselves.  The second reason is also extremely important to us.  When we go home after the wedding, we’ll be going home to Sam’s daughter and son.  Although we both love them so much, a part of that “just married” feeling may disappear with homework, kids schedules, and sleepovers.  We need some time for just the two of us in between our stressful, large wedding and our stressful life with the kids.

Ultimately, yes, creating a lovely home is a priority, and that does come before other expenses.  But my marriage to Sam is my utmost priority, and cultivating that, for me, requires a honeymoon.  So we will be taking one.  Where to?  Who knows?  But also, as long as we’re together and happy, who cares.

My internal debate on the ex-wife

I don’t like to dwell on the negative.  That’s just not me.  So it’s really hard to write about it because it becomes permanent.  I can always reread it and re-experience it, and that’s just not fun for me.  I’d rather remember the happy things.  Not that this post is going to be about something sad or negative, but rather about my internal conflict about Sam’s ex-wife.

I entered this relationship not knowing her or knowing much about her.  Overtime, I gleaned information about her from people who knew them while they were married, and from my own experiences with her.  At the beginning, I did not respect her at all.  I judged her decisions.  I thought she was a bad mom.  Sometimes, I still do feel like that.

I have really tried to get along with her so that we can attend the children’s events without any awkwardness.  I also wanted to make sure that she knows me and understands who I am.  Ultimately, I love her children, but I am not their mom, and I’m not trying to be.  I wanted to make sure she understands that so that there is minimal resentment between the two of us.  We will have to deal with each other for the rest of our lives, and that’s a really long time to carry around so much negativity.

Now, I’m not perfect.  Obviously, I do not like her.  If I had the choice, I would not want to be friends with her.  She comes from an abusive, alcoholic family, and she got pregnant as a teenager and had to drop out of college to have Renee.  She has made some very very poor life choices (and continues to make them).  However, she no longer relies on Sam for everything.  She is self-sufficient.  She went to nursing school and now has a well-paying, stable job.  She bought a new house.  She and I get along.  Sometimes, I actually really like talking to her.  What more could a new step-mom ask for?

I simply wish that she would start making better choices.  She is “engaged” (no wedding date is set, and it’s an on-and-off relationship) to a man 20 years older than her.  They are expecting a baby in November.  He already has 3 daughters, one of whom just had a baby the past month.  I am scared about the example she’s providing for her daughter and son.  I am nervous about the future for her children.  They are going to be going through so many changes in the next 6 months, and I’m just not sure if she is able to be aware of their needs because she has so much going on with herself right now.

I wish that Sam and I could have them full time so that we could be sure they are living in a safe-structured environment with plenty of attention, supervision, and support.  This is my internal debate… I can respect the ex-wife for how far she’s come, but still part of me judges the decisions that she makes.

Where have I been?

Oh, here I am!  No excuses, but I have been spending the past months rather overwhelmed with other aspects of my life, and both step-mothering and wedding-planning have taken a back seat to track practice, master’s classes, and teaching… dumb I know…. where are my priorities?

It’s so hard for me to balance all of these time-consuming aspects of my life, and with summer right around the corner (last day of school is Tuesday!), I feel like I can finally start devoting my time to things that I love (Renee, Ryan, Sam, wedding) and things that need to be done (taking care of my dog, laundry, cleaning).  Do you ever feel like that?

So with summer coming quickly and with pretty much every day already completely planned, here is what I have to look forward to:

• Engagement party!
• Moving into our new house!
• Vacation in Florida! (Oil spill be damned!)
• Wedding showers!
• Bachelorette party!

Seriously, all of the stuff I’ve been looking forward to for the last 6 months (or years) of my life are finally going to be happening in the next few months!  I’m finally growing up!

I am not a Bridezilla.

I know every bride thinks this about herself, but for me, it’s true.  There are so many details about the wedding that I just don’t care about.

1.  The flowers.  I love flowers.  They might be one of my favorite things in the world.  But I don’t care.  I care about 3 things.  They better be ivory, not white.  There better be plenty of roses, and I better not see or smell a lily.  I hate lilies.

2.  Bridesmaids attire.  My bridesmaids are my sisters and my best friends.  They all are gorgeous, and they all have wonderful taste and different personalities.  I chose the dress, they can choose the hair, makeup, nail polish, and shoes that they wear.  I just don’t care.

3.  Rehearsal dinner location.  Not up to me, not going to stress about it.  As long as it’s not at McDonalds or the same place we’re having the wedding.

4.  Cocktail hour music.  Sam’s making a CD.  Perfect for me!

I have a tendency to get stressed out, and I stress very easily.  I want planning this wedding to be fun, and there are already elements of it that aren’t.  I trust the people involved to make it the classic, elegant, and timeless wedding that I want.  I’m not worried.

Although, the wedding nightmares have started.